I live in an area that's not just a college town, it's a college town with several small colleges, and a fair number of pubs, bars, and cocktail lounges. This means that in the course of indulging in free Wi-Fi, I'm afforded an incredible theater for watching people engage in astonishingly silly behavior around alcohol. This post is an attempt to offer some alternatives of indulging, without running quite so much risk.

First, yes, we like alcohol, not only for the amazing varieties of types and flavors it comes in, but for certain "medicinal" values as well. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to assume no one likes puking their guts out, and only the insanely masochistic like a hangover.

One of the most basic things you should do when you know you're going to have a fun night with a fair amount of imbibing is to eat something first. This does not mean a granola bar. This means real food with protein, and yes, some fat. Not just salad. Fat will actually adhere to your intestinal tract in provide a little protection against subsequent indignities. Have a steak. Or a quesadilla. Or a cheeseburger. Anything with a little substance.

When you start drinking, pick one alcoholic beverage and pretty much stick to it. Don't start with beer and move to margaritas and then hit the shooters. Pick a drink, and, with the exception of altering alcohol with non-alcoholic beverages, stick to it. Sure, you can alternate between appletinis and cosmopolitans, but avoid the Irish car bombs with a shot on the side. Escalating your drinks means you're going to get drunk much faster, and you don't get points for being the first one to ruin his shoes. You get points for being the one who drank, but didn't puke or become obnoxious or stupid.

If your drink has a cocktail straw, keep it and set it to one side, where the wait staff won't confiscate it. That little pile of straws will help you keep track of how much you've actually had. If you're drinking beers, or something without a convenient straw, snag a sugar packet for each drink. The next time you are the designated driver, a fun way to pass the time is to keep track of how many drinks other people have; after the third, most of your peers won't actually know how many they've had. Don't be like them. If you're really smart, you'll pace yourself; if you can average one alcoholic drink in an hour, with a glass of water as well for every tasty alcoholic beverage you consume, you'll last longer and feel better. By "drink," I mean 12 ounces of beer, or a 4 ounce glass of wine, or one ounce of 80-proof hard alcohol. Keep in mind that a lot of drinks have more than one ounce, and more than one kind of hard liquor. Pace yourself accordingly. If you're really really smart, you'll pick a number of alcoholic drinks and stop at that number.

Keep hydrated. For every drink, have a glass of water. Not pop; carbonation speeds up the absorption of alcohol in your bloodstream. Drinking water is one of the best things you can do in terms of not paying too high a price for a night of debauchery drinking with friends. If you're going to be drinking for two or more hours, have something to eat after every couple of hours. Make do with peanuts or pretzels if you have to, but something more substantial with protein (cheese or meat) is much much better. Steadily picking at dip or nachos isn't a bad idea either; you want to slow down how fast your body metabolizes the alcohol, so you can enjoy it without hitting the "omg I'm so sick" stage.

If you're drinking in a crowded bar, or with people you don't know really well, as in name, phone, and residence, keep your drink with you. Don't walk away from it, don't leave it out of sight. People will switch your drink for one with more booze, or add a little something that, really, you'd rather not ingest. Like a roofie. When I was still in grad school and a T. A. I'd see four or five undergraduates every fall and spring who had had a roofie or worse slipped into their drink. Don't turn your back. If you, or a friend you're with starts feeling or acting very drunk after only one or two drinks, you might want to get professional help; that feeling of sudden intoxication, as in twenty or thirty minutes, without any real reason is a warning sign.

If you're planning on drinking, leave the keys at home. If you see friends drinking too much, take away their keys, and put them in a taxi. If you see someone showing the signs of alcohol poisoning, call 911. Keep in mind that beverages with little flakes of gold, or those that are in aerator tanks and sold by the quart mark you as a twit. Caffeine and sugar and other metabolic stimulants mixed with alcohol, as in Red Bull in vodka, are quite genuinely a recipe for disaster. You can get just as mellow on a decent bourbon, and feel a lot less like a shrunken head the next day.