Things That Really Should Not Be Drunk

My former campus was "dry"; there were bars and a microbrewery in easy walking distance, but they were far enough away that there weren't that many inebriated undergrads. My current location is situationally much closer to numerous sources of cheap booze. Several of the larger establishments have expensive signage promoting economical bulk intoxicants. This has led me to contemplate the list of things I personally find profoundly undrinkable, to the point that I consider imbibing them acts of beverage heresy.

Jägermeister

Jägermeister (German for "hunt master) is a licorice flavored liquor, and just in case you're thinking "red vines," no, not red vines; black licorice. The sort of black licorice used for cough syrup. It's 35% alcohol or 70 proof, and that, frankly seems to be a large part of its appeal. You can swallow it down, sort of like a dose of cough syrup, and fairly quickly discover its alcoholic content. I mostly see female undergraduates drinking Jägermeister. The local college heavy-drinking hangout advertises $4.00 "Jager bombs," a shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull. This combination is so hideous to contemplate that I really can't bear it.I note that the current formula for Vick's Nyquil is a mere 25% alcohol, or 50 proof, but just a handful of years ago, Nyquil was a righteous 40% alcohol by volume, or 80 proof, and might have given Jägermeister a run for the money, taste wise.

Goldschläger

Goldschläger is a cinnamon flavored schnapps, best known for the tiny gold leaf flakes suspended in the clear, intensely cinnamon liquor. It's 43.5% alcohol by volume or 87 proof, and is slightly more popular, in anecdotal evidence, than Jägermeister is among sorority members seeing an effective and efficient method of inebriation. Locally, a cocktail known as Liquied Cocain or JägerSchläger, a half-and-half mixture of Goldschläger and Jägermeister, with a splash of peppermint schnapps is favored by the really efficient seekers of inebriation. Despite the name (German for "gold beater," Goldschläger is Swiss in origin and currently distributed and produced by the Italian beverage corporation, Diageo.

HPNOTIQ

I confess that this one puzzles me greatly, since this vile blue elixir is from Heaven Hill Distillers, the same company that produces excellent small-batch bourbons. HPNOTIQ is a vodka base, with cognac, and "tropical fruit juices." At 34 proof, it's less a liquor than a cocktail in a bottle. I note that it does seem to be a popular base for various mixed drinks. Nonetheless, according to the official press release, NBC described it as "the drink of choice of celebrities."

I bet they like the blue Gatorade, too.

Boxed Margaritas

I didn't believe these existed at first. It was too horrible a thought. But they do exist. That's an actual picture up there, of an actual box. They're all about the convenience, apparently, since that's what the type on the site and the box talks about.

How hard is it to mix a decent Tequila, some fresh lime juice, and a splash of Grand Marnier, pour it into a glass with ice that you've rimmed with the lime and a little sea salt?